The Black Love Blue print: Ending the War Between Black Men and Women(Review)

This film was recommended to me by a woman who takes exception with my views.

Women tend to argue how they feel and then find propaganda that supports their feelings. And so, I lowered my expectations greatly before seeing the film. Once I saw it was produced by Boyce Watkins, I lowered them even more. How low? Whatever you call the place beneath Hell. Boyce Watkins is an expert in finance, not the relationship dynamics between Black men and women. And it shows. For some reason, many Blackademics like to weigh in on Black relationships; they’ll talk endlessly about any subject they aren’t credentialed in. Now, at this point, all the ambassadors of love and pander bears will be wondering about my area of expertise or credentials. I am a trained critical thinker and logician. My area of expertise is exposing the bullshit you try to sell me. When I’m not quarantining or roasting marshmallows over the dying embers of my local precinct, I enjoy spending the rest of my time putting my foot to the asses of intellectually dishonest people.

So let’s begin, shall we?

The premise of this film is to absolve Black women of their responsibility for the decrepit state of Black relationships. There’s two ways to do it. First, you focus on any perceived deficits of Black men. What this means is you give specific and pointed critiques of Black men; you lay all the problems you can at their feet whether they are warranted or not. The other tactic/technique, often used in conjunction with the first, is to blur the focus on Black women. What this means is, if there is an issue that is impossible for you to credibly blame on Black men, you re-frame it as a problem with Black people. In this way, you diffuse any negative attention or critiques that Black women should receive. I talked more about that technique here. In any case, both tactics require the careful use of language. I will show you examples of exactly how they do it.

The show puts together a cast of ...people who opine about the state of Black relationships, love and marriage. Interestingly enough, I couldn’t find much evidence in the way of healthy relationships and marriages among the interviewed. You would think that, in a show whose point is to promote healthy relationships and marriages among Black people, you would have guests who have loving relationships and marriages ON DISPLAY somewhere in their social media footprint. Let me answer a straw man here. I am not saying they should put all the intimate details of their lives for public consumption. In fact, there are things that should never be put out(See Boyce Watkins' proposal), but if you are married or in a healthy relationship AND willing to promote yourself on a documentary about Black love and marriage, shouldn't I at least be able to tell you are in a healthy relationship when browsing through your enormous social media footprints? You would think that, right? You would be wrong. It was a goose egg on short-haired S. Tia Brown. For Dr. Maghan Keita, who comes across as some combination of melancholy and effeminate, I found a dedication to his wife in a book excerpt on google. He says he's married, but he also uses the term "hetero-normative" in a serious way so who's wearing the pants in that relationship? Boyce Watkins is supposed to get married to some racially ambiguous woman next year if the world doesn’t end. The proposal was cringe-worthy. I have been pressured to get married many times by past girlfriends. When they want marriage, they don’t look like that. But hey, I wish them nothing but the best. Perhaps this is where Boyce’s real expertise should kick in and make him consider what he stands to lose if/when this relationships fails. They also interviewed Cleo Manago. This is what pops up from Wikipedia when you google his name:

Cleo Manago is an African American activist and social architect who coined the term same gender loving as an alternative for African descended or black people who do not wish to identify as gay or lesbian due to the perceived Eurocentric nature of the latter terminology and community practices.

Here is what interviewee Zaza Ali has on her YouTube page:

An African, a mother, a teacher, a vegan and advocate for African liberation.

What title is missing from that list? Here’s a hint: She refers to it as one of the highest institutions we can aspire to near the end of the film. Finally, we have Dr. George James. He appears to be married. I know this because he shouts out his hyphenated wife’s name in a tweet from early March. Nothing else on his or her page would even lead me to believe she was married though.

So why do I bring all this up? I don’t care who they love. But this is the motley crew you assemble to put forth a blue print on Black love and marriage, ostensibly between heterosexual, (American) Black people? If the point is to have a blue print for Black love and promote healthy, heterosexual relationships and marriage among Black people in the United States, wouldn’t it make sense to have heterosexual Black people who actually have some lived experience with marriage and are unabashedly and unapologetically proud to publicly promote that? Imagine if you had a documentary on Black history and, besides one Black person and maybe a bi-racial, everyone else was non-Black. Wouldn’t that strike you as strange? But this is Black America in a nutshell. Celebrities are our spokespeople. Athletes are our activists. And the unloved are our relationship experts. I need to get a haircut. Anyone know what time Jiffy Lube opens so I can get that done?

So let’s finally get into what they have to say.

Dr. James talks about racism, discrimination and privilege being factors that we have to deal with. This goes to my point of the two tactics employed by the intellectually dishonest. Who exactly is facing racism and discrimination? Who’s more privileged among us? There’s data that answers these questions. We can see who gets hired? We can see who gets murdered by the police. The disparity is so great that there’s no way you should be giving some mealy-mouthed, "we're all affected" tripe. It's Black men who are the primary targets of racism and discrimination. Black women are the relatively privileged class. Say it!

Tia Brown then says we only give ourselves permission to be angry, but that anger is directed towards both others and ourselves. If you take a shot every time they say “we,“ you won’t make it through the preamble sober. In this introduction, they are trying to blunt the problems faced by Black men by claiming we are all victims when one group is clearly victimized more than the other. And the reason for this is if we acknowledge that Black women are a privileged class and beneficiaries of racism, then we have to have some rather unpleasant conversations about their role in the breakdown of the Black family, don't we? In any case, put a pin on Tia Brown’s point about anger and let’s see who gets angry and where that anger gets directed a little bit later.

The first chapter has the soft-spoken and borderline depressed Dr. Maghan Keita giving us a history lesson. He mentions that history can show us how to be successful. He’s right about that. He goes on to tell us that matriarchy and matrilineal cultures are not anomalies. He tells us that Black households dominated by women were not just a byproduct of slavery. They existed in Africa before slavery and were healthy and functional. Zaza Ali throws in her two cents about women being held in high esteem. According to her, they were the healers and teachers and spiritual guides. Let's accept all that. Tia Brown said we need to be real in comparing outcomes for competitive groups. So let’s compare. How did that system work out for Africa compared to other groups who were (more) patriarchal? How did that work out for Africans? How is that working out for Black people? Zaza Ali wants us to to adopt a village mentality if the goal is to go back to when we "were our greatest." What happened to us when we were at our greatest? It seems to me that they got their asses kicked and we're getting our asses kicked. Why would you want to go back to what clearly didn't work?

Chapter two is about the negative influences of media and shows like Real Housewives and Love and Hip Hop. Who are the primary consumers of those reality shows? This would be another example where the case is presented in very generic terms to remove the critical eye from where it belongs. “Black people are more influenced by media than other people. They watch more watch more television than other people do,” according to Boyce Watkins. He frames it as a problem for us. It isn’t a greater problem for the primary consumer of media? The non addict needs as much therapy as the addict, right? The social drinker needs as much help as the one blacking out behind the dumpster every weekend, right?

In chapter three they talk about broken homes and people. Zaza Ali says, “They say some 60% of black women at some point in their lives have been molested.” A little bit later they go into the problem with using stats. They say that stats don’t tell the whole picture and can have a dampening effect on people. So what was the point of bringing up this stat so early on? Here's the other problem: that stat is purposely misleading. To see why go here. Now we’re back to Keita who wants to challenge the paradigm that “single parent households produce fractured children.” Did you catch that? The problem isn't single parent households; it's single mother households! Do you see how he just tried to diffuse and deflect with that word change? He says the production of fractured children in these homes is not necessarily the case. First, no one is talking in absolutes, but I challenge him to leave the ivory tower and work in any predominantly black public school or go to your local penitentiary and interview the inmates to see the households they come from. This motherfucker (I'm sorry, I tried not to curse) had the nerve to say it’s not broken homes but broken communities that produce broken children. What the fuck are broken communities made up of? Let me phrase it another way: How would you fix a so-called broken community without first fixing the broken people/homes that make it up?

Chapter four gets into the economic impact. Boyce makes the point that the best way to keep people poor is to break them up and have no support for the children. And then for people like Keita to have the unmitigated gall to say single mother households aren't the problem. Women have 100% control over reproduction and who becomes parents. When we divorce, overall wealth decreases. This is true. Who files for divorce? According to Boyce, the worst thing you can do is put your family in the hands of the State. He says nobody wants the State making decisions for their family. Really? Nobody? So why get married in the first place? Which group pressures for marriage the most? Which group pushes the most for divorce? Which group benefits from child support? No, Boyce, this isn't a problem for us. The problem is with them. Yes, Boyce, there are people who want the State to make decisions for their family. They are the same people who petition for divorce in the first place. In case you weren't sure, that would be the women. Next up we have Dr. James talking about how one person in the divorce typically has a much harder time financially than the other. He says, “Typically that is the female member of the couple.” This is what he means. When a woman is married, she has her shit and his shit. When they divorce, she gets half of his shit. Because her contribution was so much less to begin with, she experiences a decline. Because his contribution was so much more, he experiences a precipitous drop. What the State is doing is bringing her up while taking him down. It breaks down a middle or working class family into individual poor people. But because the State will subsidize her, and allow her to rinse wash and repeat with another man, she sees it as a come up. And it is at his expense.

Chapter Five has Zaza Ali running off at the mouth about Black men taking out their frustrations on Black women who, because of some supposed abuse, say they don’t need a man. She must have got that thesis from the same place she got her statistics. Boyce reiterates her point by saying Black women become bitter because of what Black men have done to them instead of what they have done to themselves and their children. Recall that unless a woman says yes to parenthood for nearly a year after conception, there will be no parents. Boyce Watkins then refers to Hip Hop as something that spreads misogyny. Are you starting to see my thesis yet? You either blame Black men for everything or take the faults of Black women and spread the blame around. What he fails to mention is the primary consumers of Hip Hop are Whites and Black women. 2pac once said(paraphrasing) the following to Biggie:

“Do not rap for the niggaz. Rap for the Bitches. The bitches will buy your album and the niggaz will want what the bitches want.”

But what does he know? He only “got his name from a woman and his game from a woman” and went on to become one of the greatest selling hip hop artists of all time. When these "misogynistic" songs are being played in the (strip)club, do you think it’s being done to get the women or the men on the dance floor/stage?

In this point of the show, they move on to a group of people sitting on the steps to chat. Boyce asks them if there is a war between Black men and women and what can be done about it.

The brother in the middle leaning away from Zaza Ali says we need to promote more positive images to end the war. No, you need to resolve the issues to end the so-called war. And to do that there must be a reckoning. In any case, all 3 of these brothers gave a glass half full approach and focused on the positive. Boyce then asked the ladies: "Do you feel Black men have your backs, collectively speaking?" Zaza says no. None of the ladies interject. Who's angry again? And who is the anger directed towards? Oh, and who’s the White man with his arm around the Black woman? You didn't even notice, right? Let it have been a Black man with a White woman. Bet you would have noticed then. How many milliseconds do you think it would have taken for the sistas to point out the irony of having that couple on a documentary about Black love? In any case, neither of them said a word. Black love, everybody. We're all in this together, right? We're all equally affected and equally culpable unless we can make it all the Black man's fault.

Chapter six focuses on the deification of Black women. We’re told the Black women are strong because they need to be. The implication is they are this way because Black men haven’t stepped up. The absence of readily available evidence to destroy this myth(that they stepped up and Black men haven't) is seen as proof that it is indeed the case. The "absence of evidence being the evidence of absence" argument is something brought up in this show when talking about how the absence of positive black families on television has had a pernicious effect on Black people. Unfortunately, they do the exact same thing they accuse the media of doing by pushing the myth of the strong, Black woman. There's a clip they have playing in the background of a "single, black woman" helping her son with his tie.

One pic is of the young brother and the other is of Zaza Ali. From the forehead up, you would think these are both women. Our boys are being trained to think like women i.e. to think like losers. They show his mother fixing his tie because the father, presumably, isn’t there to do it. The same father who was fighting with her to see his kids and was denied in an earlier segment with this fictional family is being used to illustrate the point about the harm his absence is having on the women and children. Nobody wants to connect those dots though. Zaza Ali told us in the beginning that the most important parent in a boy’s life is his father. But you showed the same woman who was fixing his tie successfully pushing the father away earlier. Now here you are trying to portray her and single mothers by extension as some sort of pillars of strength? Fuck off. S. Tia Brown says (and I’m paraphrasing), “If you are smart and successful, you are a nerd or acting White.” And how do Black women treat so-called nerds, lames or squares? See Youtube, facebook or any place Black women congregate for the answer. But the problem is with the men, right? Are you seeing it yet? A complete refusal to hold women accountable for the choices they make. Dr. Keita ends this shit segment by saying that when super women are not supported, the community suffers. And when the community suffers, men suffer. I’m seriously trying not to lose my shit here. He is clearly a feminist/lgbt agent.

Chapters 7 and 8 focus on trends and stats and how they can be demoralizing or don’t show the whole picture. Of course this was after Zaza dropped the "60% of Black women were molested" stat. Here are some more facts for you to chew on: There are more Black men married by raw number and percent despite there being no tangible benefit to that. So, if Black women aren't married, whose fault is it really? Also, there are more (single) Black women with children then there are (single) Black men with children. Here are some stats on that. Dr. George James brings up the oft referenced ratio that there are 100 Black women to 92 Black men. They just got through talking about stats being used to misrepresent and they do this shit. According to them, it’s even worse when you look at the pool of employed Black men for Black women. It drops down to 51 Black men. Do you see the problem here? When it comes to men, you are allowed to have a standard. He needs to have a diploma. He needs to be over 6 feet. He needs to have at least 8 inches. He needs to make 6 figures. He needs to have a clean criminal record. Whatever your criteria, reasonable or unreasonable, you can have them and then talk about how Black men don’t measure up. Fine. But what about Black women? They assume that all Black women are eligible. Take away the Black women who are overweight, have children, or a funky ass attitude and then re-calibrate. Why has no one ever done this in the DECADE I’ve been talking about it? This show has no problem talking about where the men come up short and how it places Black men and women at odds. Do you think they spend ONE FUCKING SECOND showing where the women come up short and how that places them at odds with us? No. Because if they did, you would see the problem is actually a lack of quality Black women to pair up with quality Black men.

Boyce Watkins monologues quite a bit in this segment. He says, “if a Black man wants to be a king, he must learn how to build a castle.” Is that what kings do? I thought they had servants and slaves for that. In any case, he’s right about increasing the number of entrepreneurs, but wrong about needing 100% of Black boys being able to start a business by age 12. After all, if everyone is a business owner, or aspiring to be one, how would you ever grow any business? You do need a healthy business class and working class. Most people don’t need to have a business though. In fact, if you look at the people who failed at their business, which is about 50% within 5 years, they would have been better off working and investing in the businesses of successful people or being what I call a seed planter. He’s overcompensating to make up for the deficit and I understand that, but you need a much more targeted approach with regard to business and entrepreneurship. You want successful businesses, not simply a lot of them. What black boys need is a plan for self actualization and self sufficiency of which entrepreneurship or starting a business may be one aspect. But wait, there’s more. He says:

"If a Black man is doing well economically, his confidence rises and women can smell confidence which makes him more attracted(attractive?) to women and also that man because he feels more financially secure he’s okay with taking care of other people.”

Other people? As in more than one person? But why would that be in a situation between a man and a woman who are just getting to know one another? He's only at the point of attracting eligible women in Boyce's scenario. Oh, that allows for the case that she has children. Because, by the time he completes his education, gets his career and/or business off the ground, and builds castle Grayskull with his own two bare hands, the women of his peer group will likely already have children. And we know this from….THE STATISTICS they don't bring up. But don’t be demoralized or depressed by what you’re seeing with your eyes, young man, because “you won’t be the step father, you’ll be the father that stepped up.” This is exactly the sort of role a man who just dug his own moat is looking forward to. Are you starting to see how slick these motherfuckers are with their language and how they use it to push their femacentric agenda.

The last chapters deal with some married couples. We’re back to going to the State to make decision about our families. Just so you know, everything a marriage offers you can be had without a State marriage license and done quite simply. Power of Attorney forms, wills and living will forms can be had at legalzoom.com. You can have your big church wedding, be registered as married at your church and complete the paperwork bypassing the State completely. Does that work for you ladies since nobody wants the State meddling in their families? I didn't think so. When they get to Alfred and Sherell Duncan, the first thing she talks about is if he ever thinks about it(presumably leaving), it “will be over for him.” She is saying this to a brother who said nothing negative before and will go through a maudlin romance story completely for her benefit. Despite that, the threat of violence is never far away with Black women and it's so common that the group on the steps laughed when she said it. Where did that misplaced anger come from? Perhaps from her failure with her past baby daddy that she wouldn’t have experienced if she were reproductively responsible? Why would it be any more "over for him" than your child’s father who didn’t marry you? Are you finally starting to see how all the pieces come together? The problem isn’t 50/50. The problem isn’t that men are doing something wrong and women are adapting. The problem, by and large, is with the women. They are making poor dating and mating choices and the consequences are rippling outward from there.